SCENE ONE:
INT. BAR - NIGHT
DIRECTLY AFTER LAUREN TELLS ANIS HER NAME.
ANIS
Do I know you?
LAUREN
We were at school together.
ANIS
Really? When?
LAUREN
You were in the year above me. Umm are you here with anyone? I’m just with a friend, she’s freshening up
MATT ENTERS BLEARY EYED.
MATT
Ah, you’re here, I thought you had gone and done something rash
INTRODUCTIONS ARE NECESSARY:
ANIS
Matt, Lauren.
MATT
Lauren.
LAUREN
Matt.
LAUREN’S FRIEND ENTERS FROM THE TOILET.
LAUREN (MOTIONS TOWARDS FRIEND)
Anis, Atia.
ANIS
Atia.
ATIA
Anis.
ANIS
Matt, Atia.
MATT
Atia.
ATIA
Matt.
PAUSE. IT’S CLEAR FROM HIS LOOK THAT ANIS WANTS MATT TO GO AND TALK TO ATIA, SO HE CAN TALK TO LAUREN
ANIS
Matt?
MATT
Anis…(UNDERSTANDING)…(AS IF TO SAY GOODBYE)Lauren…(AS IF TO SAY HELLO)Atia!
MATT SITS WITH ATIA, LEAVING ANIS WITH LAUREN.
LAUREN
So…do you like olives?
ANIS
In my drink?
LAUREN
Yeah.
ANIS
Not particularly, why?
LAUREN
I knew a guy in the agency who loved olives. How about a dry martini with an olive?
ANIS
You knew a guy in an agency?
LAUREN
Yes, he was obsessed with olives, he taught me this drink, you’ll like it.
ANIS
Go ahead then.
LAUREN ORDERS.
ANIS
So you know people in the agency?
LAUREN
I know people in the agency, yes.
ANIS
An agency, eh?
LAUREN
Mm-hm.
PAUSE.
ANIS
What agency?
LAUREN
Oh! Right, I don’t know he was very secretive, I think he was a spy.
ANIS
It just so happens I work for an agency.
LAUREN (LAUGHS)
Are you seriously using that to pick me up?
ANIS’ WARM FACE WASHES AWAY AND NOW SUDDENLY HE IS STANDOFFISH, COLD AND CLINICAL.
ANIS
Are you seriously trying to pick me up with that ‘I know you from school’ bullshit?
LAUREN IS SILENT.
ANIS
Who are you?
LAUREN
I’m Lauren.
ANIS
Shit me not with that shit.
THE DRINKS COME.
LAUREN
Try it.
ANIS
You try it.
LAUREN
See this mint, here?
FISHES OUT MINT FROM DRINK.
LAUREN
You need to press down on it with your thumb on the palm of your hand. That’s how the taste comes out.
LAUREN TAKES A POLITE SIP.
LAUREN
Now you try it.
ANIS DOESN’T TAKE HIS EYES OFF HER AS HE SWALLOWS SOME OF THE DRINK.
ANIS
Pretty good.
LAUREN
I know.
ANIS
So what’s your story, where do you really know me from?
LAUREN
I can’t say.
ANIS
You can’t say?
LOOKS OVER AT MATT TALKING TO ATIA.
MATT
Do I need to put on a little weight?
ATIA
Weight? No…height!
MATT
Ok…
BACK TO ANIS.
ANIS
How do you know her?
LAUREN
She goes to my judo class.
ANIS
Really? What the hell for?
LAUREN
A half hour of knife and stick fighting...you never know, this is a dangerous world: a girl needs to protect herself.
ANIS
So you’re quite athletic?
JUMP CUT TO THEM SHAGGING IN MATT’S HIDEOUT.
LAUREN (REACHING PINNACLE OF SEXUAL CLIMAX)
Yes! Yes! YESSSSSSS!!!
JUMP CUT TO THEM RELAXING UNDER THE SHEETS. LAUREN IS SMOKING A CIGAR.
ANIS
So you are quite athletic? After I asked that we were just shagging, so I didn’t really get an answer to it
LAUREN
Yes, you did, I was screaming ‘yes’
ANIS
Right you were.
CUT TO MATT AND ATIA STANDING AT THE DOORWAY.
MATT
Dude, that’s my bed, I was gonna get with this!
POINTS TO ATIA.
ATIA
Ugh, no you were never.
SHE SLAPS HIM.
MATT
Why did you come up with me then?
ATIA
For her. Come ON, Lauren, we have to get going.
ANIS
This isn’t terribly polite, she and I are in fact in a state of post coitus!
ATIA
Yeah, the whole block heard her screaming yes, stop showing off.
LAUREN PROVOCATIVELY SUCKS ON HER CIGAR.
LAUREN
It’s ok, go on without me, I actually have work to do.
ANIS
What you on about?
LAUREN
Dude, chill!
ATIA
Alright, Lauren, I’ll see you later and Matt…next time I see you, I’ll kill you.
SHE LEAVES. NOW IT IS JUST MATT LOOKING AT A SWEATY SHAGGED OUT ANIS AND LAUREN ON HIS BED. THEY GIVE HIM A DIRTY LOOK SIGNALLING THAT HE SHOULD LEAVE.
MATT
Dude, my bed!
ANIS
Get outta here.
MATT
Sleaze.
MATT LEAVES.
ANIS
Did he ruin the moment?
LAUREN
If anything, he increased my sex drive, fancy a sixth shag?
ANIS
Is the Pope Catholic?
LAUREN
You’re a Muslim, what do you care?
ANIS
Sorry, did THAT ruin the moment?
LAUREN
Nah, sex drive still increasing.
ANIS
Alright, let’s bump uglies.
LAUREN
Yes, let’s.
THEY DO AND IT’S KINDA GROSS IF YOU KNOW BOTH OF THEM.
SCENE TWO:
INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - DAY
ANIS WAKES UP IN MATT’S BED NEXT TO A SLUMBERING LAUREN. HE GETS UP AND STRETCHES, SHOWING HIS TIGHT BROWN BUTTOCKS TO THE CAMERA. HIS STAGGERINGLY VAST GIRTHY PENIS HAS TO BE DIGITALLY ERASED LIKE RALPH FIENNES’ IN RED DRAGON. ALSO NOW LAUREN’S HAIR IS BROWN. YOU MIGHT THINK THAT HER HAIR CHANGE IS IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT, BUT YOU’D BE AS WRONG AS ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WERE WATCHING ROSAMUND PIKE OVERLY CLOSELY IN DIE ANOTHER DAY. LAUREN’S BACK CATCHES HIS EYE. HE SPOTS A TATTOO AROUND HER KIDNEY. IT SAYS MM. ANIS MOUTHS ‘MATT McLERON’ AND SHAKES HIS HEAD TO REFRESH HIMSELF. HE NOW DOES NOT TRUST HER. THIS IS CONVEYED BY A SUDDEN LOW GUITAR PLUCK ON THE SOUNDTRACK. HE LOOKS IN HER BAG AND FINDS SOME ODDMENTS AND ENDBITS. THEN HE FINDS AN IDENTITY CARD WITH HER FACE ON. WE DO NOT SEE THE CARD.
JUMP CUT TO LAUREN’S BACK GETTING SLAMMED AGAINST THE WALL. THEY ARE BOTH STANDING UP; ANIS IS HOLDING HER BY THE NECK.
ANIS (RIDICULOUSLY GRUFF)
Who are you????
LAUREN (GASPING)
I told you!
ANIS HOLDS UP THE I.D. CARD TO HER FACE.
ANIS
Who are you working for??
LAUREN
Stop! Stop!
ANIS
Tell me the truth!
LAUREN
Alright, alright…I’m working for GA943.
ANIS
Why are you here?
LAUREN
Division Director Karen gave me orders to find you. I’m on transfer from Wandsworth.
ANIS
Do they know where I am?
LAUREN
No…not yet, I haven’t had a chance to warn them.
ANIS THROWS HER TO THE GROUND.
ANIS
Leave!
MATT ENTERS THE BEDROOM.
MATT
I’m not being funny, yeah, I ain’t trying to be rude, right, but do you mind, you’ve been shouting the odds all night, wait…what’s going on?
ANIS
She’s a spy.
MATT
That explains a lot…wow how convenient is it that she ended up meeting us?
ANIS
There was no convenience, and no happenstance either! She was sent by Division Director Karen.
MATT
That bitch!
LAUREN
Look, please, I’m on your side.
MATT
What? Why?
ANIS
Yeah, why should we believe you?
LAUREN
Anis, there is a reason I haven’t reported back to GA943.
ANIS
How do we know you haven’t already?
LAUREN
We haven’t spent a moment apart since we met! Not even when I went to the toilet!
ANIS
Duuuude, I told you to keep that hush! (CATCHES THE SHOCKED LOOK ON MATT’S FACE AND RENEWS HIS GRUFF VOICE) So why should we trust you?
LAUREN
Believe it or not, I’m on your side…I wouldn’t have sex eight times in one night with a man I met wearing slippers in a bar if I wasn’t on his side. I’m not that kind of woman. My mother told me, when I was a little girl, that I would one day meet a man who would disagree with everything my job stood for, but I’d just be hopelessly helpless to betray my job for him.
MATT
Eh?
LAUREN
And although she’s never had sex with a man, I believe in her words.
ANIS
Well, that’s refre-…what??
LAUREN
I’m not going to tell Karen that I found you; I’m going to join you.
MATT
Other than that stuff about her mum being a virgin, I think Lauren is talking sense…if she was on our side, she could work with us against GA943…at least until we can clear your name.
ANIS
I haven’t trusted her since I met her, don’t worry, Matt.
MATT
Well, dude, I’m sorry to cut this morning short, but you’ve got that meeting in an hour.
ANIS
Oh yeah…it’s rush hour, I’m going to have to be quick.
LAUREN
What’s the meeting about?
MATT
There’s a reason we are being guarded about it, we can’t trust you, we don’t know you.
LAUREN
Like, two seconds ago you were telling him to keep me around! You can trust me, I can help, just let me know what you’re doing.
MATT
Well, you can help, but we’re not prepared to fill you in completely.
ANIS
Matt, can you stay here with Lauren, and wait for me to call you up after meeting him?
MATT
Sure.
ANIS DRESSES TO LEAVE, THEN LEAVES.
SCENE THREE:
EXT. WESTMINSTER STATION - DAY
IT IS RAINING AND ANIS LOOKS SUITABLY GOTHIC GLARING OUT AT THE MURKY DRIZZLY STREETS UNDER HIS TINY UMBRELLA AND TRENCH COAT. HE IS MET BY T, A GANGLY BLACK MAN.
T
Mr Seabourne…always a pleasure.
ANIS (GLOOMILY)
T.
T
Let’s take this to a more hospitable setting.
T LEADS ANIS BACK INTO THE STATION AND AFTER ENSURING NO ONE IS LOOKING, OPENS A SECRET DOOR.
SCENE FOUR:
INT. MYSTERIOUS LOCATION ONLY ACCESSIBLE ONLY BY MYSTERIOUS DOOR IN STATION - DAY
T IS LEADING ANIS DOWN SOME OLD GLOOMY POORLY LIT STEPS DEEP UNDERGROUND.
ANIS
Where are we?
T
This is a place I’ve longed to show you.
ANIS
What is it?
T
A place agents don’t have to worry about.
THERE ARE NO MORE STEPS SO NOW THEY ARE WALKING IN SOME MASSIVE LOOKING WAREHOUSE.
T
This is storage, a junkyard.
ANIS (POINTING)
Hey, that looks familiar.
T
And so it should, it saved your life on the Indy mission before you destroyed it.
ANIS
I see, this is…
T
Where the gadgets go to die…and we won’t be disturbed.
ANIS
You are not looking to turn me in to Karen or Lawratu?
T
Please…of course you had no hand in the death of all those fine agents. I am here to help you with this pursuit of yours, to clear your name and find those responsible.
ANIS
I’m glad to have you on board.
T
Oh I won’t take a direct hand, I have to stay here and keep my job, but I will give you some items that may save your life.
ANIS NODS.
ANIS
I need a new suit.
T
Well three buttons is a little nineties, Mr Seabourne.
ANIS
You know what I mean?
T
I’ve got just the thing.
A LITTLE WHILE LATER NOW, ANIS IS DRESSED TO PERFECTION.
T
How is it?
ANIS
Cut to measure…perfect. Brioni?
T
Rest assured.
ANIS
The shoes…Black Oxfords?
T
The finest kind, with, of course, all the usual features. Now, pay attention, I know you are going to need a substantial amount of funding for this, so here is a gold card…
ANIS
Excellent.
T
…If you slide the top strip forwards, like this (DEMONSTRATING) this little clip comes out (IT DOES) you can use it as a lock pick.
ANIS
Well, they always said having a gold card can open brand new doors.
T
That’s not a common axiom in the parlance I tend to use myself, I think you made that phrase up purely to make a crap pun, but no matter, if you slide the top strip backwards, which I’m NOT going to do, it activates a five-second timed ignition inside, combusting the magnesium strip inside with a concentrate of C4, powerful enough to pierce an armoured car, so be very careful…
ANIS
Beware of the credit crunch!
T
Indeed…remember, forward for the lock pick, backward to blow up. And here’s a nice little surprise…your new car.
ANIS
I get a new car?
T
Yes.
ANIS
Ah, sweet!
T PULLS A TARPAULIN OFF A BIG SEXY LOOKING CAR. A SLEEK MERCEDES MCLAREN SLR.
T
Your new car: bulletproof, bombproof, shockproof, fireproof, laser proof, and burglar proof. Proof of just about anything.
ANIS
Ha. Then how do I get in?
T
Funny, you should say that, it’s configured to your fingerprints only. Now, it’s equipped with grille mounted machine guns, stinger missiles, smart torpedoes, rocket launchers, and harpoons. Extras: battering rams, revolving registration plates, smokescreen, oil jets, spike dispenser, tyre slashers, cement jets, mine dispensers, all-points radar, grenade launchers, standard ejector seat, driver and passenger, radar absorbent material for stealth, jet engine, CCTV, lasers, land-to-air/land-to-land/land-to-water heat seekers, flamethrowers, bulletproof tyres…oh, and four parachutes, in case you drive off a cliff again.
ANIS
Where do I sign!
T
You will find it exceedingly difficult to trash this car, Seabourne, but still, take care of it.
ANIS
Thank you. Ah, I need some ammo, my gun’s out.
T
Take some on your way out. Well, that’s all.
ANIS
I’m very grateful, but now I have to meet Oscar. He says he has information about the real person behind this.
T
Alright, watch your back.
ANIS
Till next time.
SCENE FIVE:
EXT. WATERLOO STATION - DAY
ANIS IS PARKING THE MERCEDES MACLAREN SLR AT WATERLOO STATION. ANIS’ THEME IS PLAYING (WHATEVER THAT IS). HE GETS OUT AND STRIDES INTO THE SHELTER OF THE STATION. AFTER SOME SEARCHING HE SPOTS OSCAR STANDING COMPLETELY STILL AMIDST THE JOSTLING CROWD. ANIS APPROACHES HIM.
ANIS
Oscar.
OSCAR
Anis.
ANIS
What’s the story?
OSCAR
They are all after you. Trust no one.
ANIS
I could see that for myself…what do you have for me?
OSCAR
Well you know, Farhad and I were investigating the suspicious activity of David Thornevil…it’s this I want to discuss with you.
ANIS
I’m all ears.
OSCAR
Yes…but not here, we should move. It’s dangerous.
SCENE SIX:
INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - DAY
MATT AND LAUREN ARE DOING BACKGROUND CHECKS ON DAVID THORNEVIL USING THE INTERNET…SOURCE OF EVERYTHING.
LAUREN
I can’t find anything.
MATT
Look harder.
LAUREN
I am.
MATT FURROWS HIS BROW AT THE SCREEN, TRYING TO FIND SOMETHING. WE FOLLOW HIS EYES MOVING LEFT AND RIGHT READING FROM THE LAPTOP. HIS EYES STOP.
MATT
Lauren, do you know what Synopsense is?
LAUREN
No, I’ve never heard of it.
MATT
This company has been a financial backer of Thornevil for ages, but I can’t find it anywhere on the internet. I’m checking into the bank accounts of Thornevil’s…they’ve received a donation of £3,030,303,030.30 from Synopsense. I’m not sure this organisation even exists.
LAUREN
What do you want me to do?
MATT
I want you to widen your search to include Synopsense. Something’s up.
SCENE SEVEN:
INT. OSCAR’S CAR - DAY
OSCAR IS DRIVING ANIS AROUND BATTERSEA.
OSCAR
David must have been onto us, that’s the only reason for the murders yesterday.
ANIS
What was he up to?
OSCAR
He is an oil tycoon, but there were some irregularities with the banking, something to do with Synopsense. GA943 got involved…asking for trouble like we always do, and look what happened. Over a hundred good men and women got killed…for nothing.
ANIS
And apparently I’m to blame. You mentioned Synopsense, that’s what…is that…?
OSCAR
It’s a damn joke, Anis. Farhad is dead. He and I…we were so close to getting that fucker.
ANIS
Presumably you two were undercover?
OSCAR
Yes.
ANIS
Then how could anything get traced back to GA943?
SILENCE.
ANIS
Presumably if you two were both doing your jobs right, there was no way to connect GA943 with an investigation into David Thornevil…unless you guys weren’t doing your jobs…How did Thornevil even know to strike yesterday when every agent would be present in one location. Only an employee could have known about it…unless…
OSCAR’S GUN CLICKS AGAINST ANIS’ HEAD. ANIS STOPS TALKING. OSCAR PULLS OVER, THEN TURNS TO FACE ANIS. ANIS LOOKS HIM IN THE EYE.
ANIS
How could you…we were your own people. It was a slaughter.
OSCAR
You’ve heard enough. I’m bringing you in. You’ve already been scapegoated. A clean death, and my part in this will be over.
SCENE EIGHT:
INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - DAY
A SUBSTANTIAL AMOUNT OF TIME HAS ELAPSED. LAUREN AND MATT ARE REALLY BORED.
LAUREN
Ugh.
MATT
Jesus, I’m sick of this.
LAUREN
Let’s put the TV on.
MATT
I hardly see how that’s going to help.
LAUREN
Because surfing the internet has so far.
MATT
God, you’re annoying.
LAUREN
You’re worse.
MATT
Bloody hell! Fine!
MATT THROWS THE REMOTE AT HER. IT GRAZES ONE STRAND OF HER JUMPER’S MATERIAL.
LAUREN
Owwwwww!!!! That hurt! You didn’t have to beat me with a remote!
MATT
Overreaction much?
LAUREN
Erm, I’m sorry, you’re not from California, so I don’t know why you’re doing that thing they do, saying ‘much’ after stating some loserish comment, turning it into a question.
MATT
Oh just shut up and turn the TV on.
LAUREN
No! I won’t now! LOSER.
MATT’S LIPS THIN.
SCENE NINE:
INT. OSCAR’S CAR - DAY
ANIS IS SUBTLY THUMBING HIS POCKET FOR HIS GUN.
OSCAR
Ah ah ah! Give your gun to me. Slowly. Carefully.
ANIS SLOWLY PULLS OUT THE GUN FROM HIS POCKET. BEFORE YOUR EYES CAN REGISTER HE SKILLFULLY FLICKS HIS GUN SO IT’S COCKED AT OSCAR.
ANIS
Shoulda killed me when you had the chance. I’m not giving up.
OSCAR
Oh tush. You amuse me. Here we are both of us with guns aiming at each other. The first person to pull the trigger wins. So why haven’t you pulled yours?
ANIS
I need information.
OSCAR
Oh, what a boring reason.
ANIS
If you shoot me, I’ll shoot you instantly after.
OSCAR
If you shoot me, I’ll shoot you instantly after.
IT IS TENSE.
AFTER A WHILE OF HOLDING UP A GUN TO EACH OTHER’S HEADS, THEIR ARMS ARE GETTING TIRED.
OSCAR SUDDENLY MAKES EYE CONTACT WITH SOMETHING OFFSCREEN.
OSCAR
Whoa! Look behind you!
ANIS
Yeah, I’m not falling for that.
OSCAR
You can forgive one for trying.
ANIS SUDDENLY MAKES EYE CONTACT WITH SOMETHING OFFSCREEN
ANIS
Shit! What’s that?
OSCAR TURNS TO LOOK AND GETS HIT WITH THE BUTT OF ANIS’ GUN. FURIOUS AT FALLING FOR ANIS’ TRICK, HE SNARLS AND TRIES TO STRANGLE ANIS. ANIS GETS HOLD OF OSCAR’S WRIST AND APPLIES PRESSURE SO THAT BLOOD CUTS OFF. OSCAR LETS GO OF ANIS’ NECK AND ANIS KICKS OSCAR IN THE STOMACH AGAINST THE DRIVER’S WINDOW.
SCENE TEN:
INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - DAY
THE TV IS NOW ON. THE SQUABBLE HAS BEEN SORTED OUT. FOR NOW.
MATT
Why are we watching this?
LAUREN
There’s nothing else on.
MATT
Just check.
LAUREN
I don’t need to check.
MATT
But what if there’s something good on?
LAUREN
I’ll check when the adverts come on.
MATT
Yeah but the adverts on TV all come on at the same time, what would be the point?
LAUREN IGNORES MATT.
MATT
Um…that’s my TV, you know!
LAUREN IGNORES MATT AND WATCHES THE TV.
A BLACK PRIEST COMES ON TV.
BLACK PRIEST
Hello, good evening, and welcome to Mad Skillz, I’m your host, Reverend Ramsey Hassan. I’m going to be asking every one of you, the viewer to please call in and donate to our cause. Remember hell is full of paedophiles, racists, fascists, terrorists, tourists, people with bad breath, spiders, traffic wardens, flies, Paris Hiltons, those people who, when you get out of the way to avoid them are still somehow in your way, slow walkers, people who always reject you and cancel your appointments, your real father, slick salesmen, con artists, tax men, and the people who cancelled Futurama. If you call and donate to us, you will be guaranteed a place in heaven, which is full of Scarlet Johanssons, Maria Sharapovas, Vernon Kays, Sir Tom Jones’s, Luciano Pavarottis, everlasting mp3 players, ultra high speed internet connection, every film and TV show available on Blu-ray, pralines and cream Haagen-Dazs, clean teeth, good smells, hot buttered toast, and mountains of money.
MATT
Again…why are we watching this?
LAUREN IGNORES MATT AND WATCHES THE TV.
REVEREND RAMSEY
Well, we were on yesterday, and yesterday, we made…drumroll please…thanks Mike, the drumroll supervisor, everybody. We made…5 billion Euros…and I’m just getting how much that is in pounds, bare with me…three billion and thirty million, three hundred and three thousand and thirty pounds, thirty pence!
MATT SITS UP.
MATT
£3,030,303,030.30???? There it is!
MATT JUMPS UP AND SITS CLOSE TO THE SCREEN WATCHING INTENTLY.
REVEREND RAMSEY
In just a moment I’ll have the figures for today…how much have we raised today? How much? Well ladies and gentlemen, God has told me that today we have raised another seven million pounds! But he also tells me he is going to send everyone to hell with the bad breath and paedophilia if we don’t donate together a combined forty five million, so please ring up folks. Remember, I’m doing this for free.
MATT
They’re up another seven million? Quick, Lauren, refresh the screen showing the money contributed by Synopsense.
LAUREN DOES.
LAUREN
Yep, it’s now 3 billion and thirty seven million.
MATT
Oh my god, of course! That’s how he’s doing it. This whole televangelism thing is a front to fund this Thornevil bastard…so why nothing for Synopsense? Unless…try searching the databank of Reverend Ramsey Hassan.
LAUREN
I’m looking now…ok he was a political activist in the eighties, got committed to jail…for fornication with a, oh my god…
MATT
What?
LAUREN
A bear!
MATT
Well, never mind that, what’s he been up to recently?
LAUREN
It says here that he has been hosting this televangelism show for the past three years…about the same amount of time Thornevil’s getting himself established.
MATT
Oh I’m seeing right through this. I’m gonna use my laptop too. Keep looking…I’m glad we’re finding more.
SCENE ELEVEN:
INT. OSCAR’S CAR - DAY
ANIS AND OSCAR ARE FIGHTING IT OUT INSIDE THE CAR. OUTSIDE OF THE CAR, SOME CHAVVY KIDS ARE POINTING AND LAUGHING COS THEY THINK THERE ARE PEOPLE SHAGGING INSIDE.
INSIDE THE CAR OSCAR’S ELBOW HAS SUNK INTO ANIS’ NECK. ANIS CAN’T BREATHE. ANIS REPEATEDLY KNEES OSCAR IN THE NADS, BUT OSCAR DOESN’T EVEN REACT. ANIS GIVES UP AND WRIGGLES SO OSCAR LOSES HOLD, THEN GIVES OSCAR A COLOSSALLY MASSIVE HEADBUTT. OSCAR’S NOSE BREAKS AND HE SCREAMS AGONISED.
OSCAR
AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHAAAAIIIEEEEE!!!!
HE PUNCHES ANIS IN THE FACE WITH A LOUD SMASH.
ANIS
Agh! Gordon Bennett!
OUTSIDE THE CAR, ITS JOSTLING HAS ATTRACTED POLICE ATTENTION.
INSIDE THE CAR, BOTH TRAINED GOVERNMENT OPERATIVES GRASP EACH OTHER’S NECK AND SQUEEZE AS HARD AS THEY BOTH CAN. THEY BOTH GO RED AND GET WEAKER. ANIS TAKES ADVANTAGE OF OSCAR’S WEAKENING AND SOON OSCAR DIES. BEFORE ANIS CAN GET HIS BREATH BACK, THE WINDOW IS SMASHED AND HE IS DRAGGED OUT BY ROUGH POLICE HANDS.
PC#1
Oi oi. What’s going on here then? Just felt like fucking in a public place in the morning eh, guv?
ANIS (CHOKING)
It’s not…
THE SECOND POLICE OFFICE INSPECTS THE REST OF THE CAR.
PC#2
Eh! It was another bloke in ‘ere!
PC#1 LOOKS AT THE BRUISED ANIS ON THE FLOOR DISGUSTED.
PC#2
And ’e’s dead.
PC#1
’E’s dead?
PC#2
’E’s dead, ’e is, I toldja
PC#1 ROUGHLY HAULS ANIS UP TO HIS FEET AND HANDCUFFS HIM BEHIND HIS BACK.
PC#1
Well, you sir, are under arrest. You do not need to say anything…
ANIS
Wait, just…
ANIS TAKES ADVANTAGE OF THIS DUMB COPPER WHO ACTUALLY OBEYED THE ‘WAIT’ COMMAND AND DOES ANOTHER SICKENING HEADBUTT. HE DOES A SUPREMELY SLICK JUMP WHERE HE HYPER BENDS HIS KNEES AND BRINGS HIS CUFFED HANDS UNDERNEATH THEM SO THEY ARE NOW IN FRONT OF HIM, AND BEFORE THE FIRST CONSTABLE’S NOSE HAS EVEN STARTED TO BLEED, HE HAS THE SECOND OFFICER IN A CHOKEHOLD. AFTER A REALISTIC AMOUNT OF TIME, TWENTY STRANGLING BONE-CRUNCHING SECONDS OR SO, THE SECOND POLICE OFFICER FALLS UNCONSCIOUS NEXT TO THE OTHER POLICEMAN.
CHAVVY KID
Fahkin’ ’ell!
PC#1 GETS ON THE RADIO AND RADIOS FOR BACK UP THROUGH HIS BLOOD SOAKED FACE.
PC#1
Back up…send back up!
ANIS GRABS HIS GUN FROM THE CAR AND SCAMPERS AWAY CROUCHED DOWN USING CARS AS COVER. PC#1 FIRES OFF A COUPLE OF WIDE SHOTS AT ANIS. ANIS CROUCHES DOWN BEHIND SOME CARS AND BANGS OFF SOME WARNING FIRE. PC#1 RETURNS IT, AND BY NOW BACK UP HAS ARRIVED. ANIS’ EYES DART LEFT AND RIGHT AS HE TRIES TO MAKE A PLAN. HE TAKES A TIME OUT FROM THINKING TO FIRE OFF MORE WARNING SHOTS. ONE OF THE BULLETS HITS THE POLICE CAR’S PETROL TANK. THE NOISE IS SO LOUD THE WINDOWS OF THE CAR ANIS IS USING AS COVER SHATTER SENDING GLASS OVER HIM. HE PEEKS UP TO SEE WHAT HAPPENED AND HE STARES AGHAST AT THE POLICE CAR, ELEVATED BY AN OTT FIREBALL FORTY FEET INTO THE AIR IN SLOW MOTION. HE STARES FOR A MOMENT AS THE CAR HOVERS IN THE AIR. HE LOOKS AT HIS GUN, SURPRISED, THEN BACK AT THE MASSIVE FIREBALL HOVERING CAR ORGY. THEN, GRAVITY HITS AND THE CAR BEGINS ITS DESCENT TO THE GROUND. ANIS IS ALREADY RUNNING.
ANIS IS RUNNING AWAY, LOOKING FOR AN ESCAPE ROUTE. HE DARTS DOWN AN ALLEY. NOW THE POLICE HAVE MORE SUPPORT AND START TO PURSUE HIM DOWN THE ALLEY. ANIS JUMPS ONTO A BIN AND VAULTS OVER A CHAIN FENCE, DESPITE THE HINDRANCE OF HAVING CUFFED HANDS. HE DARTS OUT OF THE ALLEY BUT IS BLOCKED OFF BY ANOTHER POLICE CAR. ANIS DODGES THE CAR AND DEFTLY SHOOTS ONE OF THE CAR’S TYRES. POLICE GET OUT TO SHOOT BUT HE HAS ALREADY VANISHED.
ANIS IS RUNNING AND RUNNING, THEN STOPS TO GET HIS BREATH. A SHOT GOES OFF BY HIS HEAD AND HE FLINCHES. HE DOESN’T KNOW WHERE IT CAME FROM, SO HE DECIDES TO SCARPER. HE RUNS AND BOUNDS INTO THE ROAD. HE STANDS IN FRONT OF AN ONCOMING CAR AND WAVES HIS GUN. THE CAR, A BUGATTI VEYRON, SQUEALS ON THE BRAKES. ANIS RUNS AROUND THE SIDE OF THE CAR AND BRANDISHES HIS GUN AT THE DRIVER’S WINDOW.
ANIS
Move over, and stay calm.
THE WINDOW WINDS DOWN AND WE SEE THE DRIVER IS MOVIE STEREOTYPE NUMBER 534: THE LOUDMOUTH BLACK GUY. HIS NAME IS MARTIN.
MARTIN
Muthafucka, you musta lost yo goddamn mind!
ANIS CLICKS THE GUN IN MARTIN’S FACE.
MARTIN
Whoa, this muthafucka ain’t messin’ around.
MARTIN SCOOCHES OVER. ANIS GETS IN AND DRIVES AWAY.
MARTIN
W’a’g’w’an’n, muthafucka? Why you gotta fuckin’ getaway so muthafuckin’ fast? Shit! You’re handcuffed! You must be in some deep shit!
ANIS
Please stop talking, I’m not guilty, I work for the government, there’s just been a misunderstanding.
MARTIN
Muthafuckas in a misunderstandin’ don’t be just be pullin’ over random drivers. Muthafuckas in a misunderstandin’ wait for the misunderstandin’ to be resolved and shit.
ANIS HAS GIVEN UP ON TALKING AND WEAVES THROUGH THE TRAFFIC.
THERE IS A HELICOPTER ABOVE THEM WHICH ATTRACTS ANIS’ ATTENTION.
ANIS
Ah shit…
MARTIN
What?
ANIS
There must be a tunnel around here somewhere, so I can lose the chopper.
MARTIN
Wha…that helicopters tracking you? In my muthafuckin’ baby? Git the fuck outta mah car!
ANIS
Look, they don’t know I’m in a car, just act normal, and it’ll be fine.
MARTIN
This is some booooshit.
ANIS COMES TO A TRAFFIC LIGHT AT A CROSSROADS. A POLICE CAR COMES INTO VIEW FROM ANIS’ RIGHT. ANIS STARES AT IT, SILENTLY PRAYING.
ANIS (MURMURING)
Come on, come on, nothing to see here.
WE LINGER ON THE POLICE CAR FOR A FEW TENSE MOMENTS. THEN IT POPS THE SIREN.
ANIS
Crap.
ANIS PULLS UP THE HANDBRAKE, SLAMS HIS FEET ON THE ACCELERATOR AND SWITCHES UP THE GEARS.
MARTIN
Shiiiit!!
THREE POLICE CARS FOLLOW THEM.
MARTIN
Mu’afucka, you headin’ for the bridge! There’s too much traffic!
ANIS (DRIVING. NO NONSENSE)
Well there’s one thing they didn’t count on…my reckless disregard for human life!
ANIS VEERS TO AVOID THE TRAFFIC ON BATTERSEA BRIDGE AND RIDES UP THE KERB ONTO THE PAVEMENT. HE HAS TO LET GO OF THE WHEEL SO HIS CUFFED HANDS CAN REACH THE GEAR STICK. HE CLUTCHES IT WAY UP INTO FIFTH.
MARTIN
You sure are a crazy sonofa…whoaaaaaa!!!
ANIS IS ZOOMING OVER THE BRIDGE, BEEPING THE HORN FRANTICALLY. JOGGERS DIVE ‘COMICALLY’ OUT OF THE WAY INTO THE TRAFFIC. FOR SOME REASON THAT MUSTASCHIOED BORAT LOOKING FRUIT CART OWNER IS JUST WALKING DOWN THE BRIDGE. HE SEES THE BEEPING CAR HEADING TOWARDS HIM AND HE SENSIBLY JUMPS OUT OF THE WAY. INSTEAD OF DIVING INTO THE ROAD, HE JUMPS OUT OF THE WAY INTO THE THAMES. ANIS DRIVES BY.
NOTHING TO FEAR, HOWEVER, THE MUSTASCHIOED BORAT DUDE EMERGES FROM THE RIVER WITH A FISH SLAPPING ON TOP OF HIS HEAD. HE SPEWS OUT A LOAD OF RIVER WATER, THEN HE SHAKES HIS FIST ANGRILY AFTER THE CARS, SCOWLING AND CURSING.
BACK WITH ANIS, HE’S BACK ON THE ROAD, STILL TRYING TO ELUDE THE COPS, BUT IS HAVING TROUBLE BECAUSE OF THE HELICOPTER. HE PULLS OUT INTO THE OPPOSITE LANE, AND VEERS AROUND PAST MILLBANK. A POLICE CAR CUTS HIM OFF AND DRIVES IN FRONT OF HIM.
MARTIN
We’re dead, muthafucka! They come for us!
BEFORE ANIS CAN REPLY, A MISSILE HAS BEEN FIRED INTO THE POLICE CAR. THERE IS AN EXPLOSION IN FRONT OF THEM AND THEY STARE AGAPE AS THE POLICE CAR SAILS OVER THEIR HEADS.
ANIS AND MARTIN
What the f…
ANIS AND MARTIN LOOK LEFT TO SEE WHERE ‘THE F…’ THE MISSILE CAME FROM. THERE IS A CAR DRIVING BESIDE THEM. STANDING FIRM THROUGH THE SUN ROOF IS A GORGEOUS SKINNY BLONDE GIRL HOLDING A BAZUKA.
ANIS
Holy shit…
MARTIN
She’s NICE!
ANIS PANICS AS HE SEES HER LOAD ANOTHER MISSILE AND AIM FOR HIM. ANIS GETS OUT HIS GUN AND SHOWS IT TO MARTIN.
ANIS
Do you know how to use a gun?
MARTIN
Whoa, mu’afucka, you ain’t getting’ my fingerprints on that shit!
ANIS
Then fucking drive!
ANIS SLIDES HIS SEAT BACK FORCEFULLY. THIS ISN’T A TIME TO DEBATE.
ANIS
Take the wheel!
MARTIN
Whoa, mu’afucka! My car!! Whatchoo doin’!!
ANIS DEFTLY SLIDES HIMSELF OVER INTO THE BACKSEAT, LEAVING MARTIN TO CLIMB AWKWARDLY INTO THE DRIVING SEAT. ANIS ROLLS DOWN THE WINDOWS AND AIMS AT THE BLONDE GIRL.
SHE FIRES AT THE CAR.
ANIS
MOVE!!!
MARTIN SWERVES WILDLY INTO MILLBANK, NARROWLY AVOIDING THE MISSILE, AND DOES A 360 DEGREE TURN ON THE GRASS. HE GETS OFF THE PARK BACK ONTO THE MAIN ROAD AND GETS DIRECTLY BEHIND THE CAR.
MARTIN (SMUG)
How’s that for drivin’?
ANIS
We do not want to be behind her, get in front!
MARTIN
Oh yeah, shit!
THE CARS RACE PAST WESTMINSTER.
THE BLONDE GIRL RELOADS THE MISSILE AND AGAIN AIMS AT THE CAR. ANIS POPS HIS HEAD OUT OF THE WINDOW AND SHOOTS AT HER. SHE GETS DOWN, HER HEAD JUST PEEKING OUT OF THE SUNROOF. SHE AIMS THE BAZUKA BY FEEL. SHE FIRES.
MARTIN STEERS OUT OF THE WAY JUST IN TIME TO COME IN ON HER CAR’S RIGHT SIDE. THE MISSILE HITS THE TAILING POLICE CAR WHICH BLOWS UP, SOMERSAULTING SPECTACULARLY, BLOCKING THE OTHER FOLLOWING POLICE CARS. THE GIRL JUMPS AS BULLETS SCATTER AROUND HER HEAD. SHE SEES THE DENTS FROM THE BULLETS PEPPERED ON THE CAR’S ROOF AND LOOKS UP. IT’S THE POLICE HELICOPTER. SHE RELOADS THE BAZUKA AND AIMS.
MARTIN PULLS THE CAR IN FRONT OF HERS. HE LOOKS BACK AT ANIS. ANIS IS ABOUT TO SHOOT THROUGH THE REAR WINDOW. MARTIN’S EYES BUG OUT.
MARTIN
Mu’afucka please! What do you think you’re doing?
ANIS
I’m trying to stop her!
MARTIN
Stop her without breaking my goddamn window!
ANIS TURNS HIS HEAD AND CRANES HIS NECK OUT OF THE WINDOW. IT’S AN AWKWARD POSITION. HE STOPS SCOWLING AS HE HEARS THE SOUND OF THE MISSILE. IT’S NOT FIRED AT HIM, HOWEVER. HE LOOKS AND SEES THE MISSILE FIRE INTO THE SKY AT THE HELICOPTER. IT HITS. THE HELICOPTER EXPLODES, AND FLAMING OFFICERS PRECIPITATE ONTO THE TRAFFIC.
ANIS
Alright, this girl’s a psycho.
ANIS TAKES AIM, AND FIRES AT HER, BUT HIS KILLER AIM IS THROWN OFF BY MARTIN’S PANICKY DRIVING.
ANIS
Keep it straight! Wait, turn here! Over the bridge!
MARTIN
Mu’afucka, we going back over ANOTHER bridge??? You goddamn crazy???
ANIS
Do you WANT to get bazukad??? Then shut up and drive!
MARTIN (QUOTING RIHANNA)
Shut up and drive, drive…
MARTIN SWERVES WILDLY. SUDDENLY ANOTHER CAR COMES OUT ONTO THE ROAD. THE DRIVER IS ALSO SHOOTING AT THEM.
MARTIN
Fucking hell, what we gonna do?
ANIS
Don’t panic! Just drive down to Waterloo.
THE THREE CARS RACE DOWN THE BRIDGE, SIDE BY SIDE, WITH MARTIN’S CAR IN THE MIDDLE. ANIS SPIES A SIGN IN FRONT OF THE IMAX.
ANIS
Try to keep on the right!
ANIS MOVES ONTO THE RIGHT BACK SEAT, ROLLS DOWN THE WINDOW, AND FACES THE BAZUKA GIRL’S CAR.
HE FIRES AT THE WOODEN SIGN, WHICH GETS DESTROYED.
ANIS
Keep on the right!
BY KEEPING THE CAR ON THE RIGHT, THEY HAVE FORCED THE BLONDE GIRL ONTO A MAKESHIFT RAMP USING THE COLLAPSED SIGN. HER CAR FLIES INTO THE AIR, HEADING STRAIGHT TO THE IMAX.
CUT TO:
INT. IMAX CINEMA.
THE AUDIENCE IS AVIDLY WATCHING SPIDER-MAN 2 IN 3D.
ON SCREEN:
TOBEY MAGUIRE AS PETER PARKER
…kiss you?
KIRSTEN DUNST AS MARY JANE WATSON
I need to know something. Just one kiss.
KIRSTEN DUNST MOVES TO KISS TOBEY MAGUIRE.
IN AUDIENCE:
AUDIENCE MEMBER CALLED GARY
Gosh watching this in 3D makes everything seem more realistic.
AUDIENCE MEMBER CALLED SUMAYYA
The film’s been on for an hour and forty minutes, isn’t it a kind of badly written, hackneyed thing for someone sitting in the audience to make that sort of comment on it now?
ON SCREEN A CAR SUDDENLY FLIES THROUGH THE WINDOW AT THE CAFÉ WHERE TOBEY MAGUIRE AND KIRSTEN DUNST ARE SITTING.
THEN THE BLONDE GIRL’S CAR *CONVENIENTLY* FLIES INTO THE CINEMA. AT THAT PRECISE MOMENT. YEAH.
EXCEPT SHE DOESN’T FLY IN THROUGH THE SCREEN, THAT WOULD MAKE THE PREVIOUS TEN SECONDS BITTERLY IRONIC AND ARBITRARILY PITHY, INSTEAD SHE COMES CAREERING OUT OF THE AUDIENCE, KILLING GARY AND SUMAYYA, AND LANDING ON MANY OTHER INNOCENT MEMBERS, KILLING THEM.
CUT TO:
EXT. IMAX CINEMA
MARTIN AND ANIS ARE NOW EVADING THE ONE OTHER CAR, WHICH HAD THE DRIVER SHOOTING AT THEM.
MARTIN IS CONGRATULATING HIMSELF ON HIS DRIVING AND ABILITY TO SEND A DEADLY ASSASSIN FLYING INTO A CINEMA. ANIS IS MARVELLING AT THE SECOND HUGE HOLE HE LEFT IN A LONDON LANDMARK IN TWO DAYS.
ANIS THEN SPOTS SOME ROADWORKS AHEAD.
ANIS
Wait, concentrate on the road!
MARTIN LOOKS BACK ONTO THE ROAD WHERE HE’S DRIVING. HE’S HEADING STRAIGHT FOR THE ROADWORKS.
MARTIN
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
MARTIN COVERS HIS EYES AS HIS CAR CRASHES INTO SOME ROADWORK SIGNS. ANIS DOES HIS SEATBELT AS THE CAR GOES FLYING INTO A HUGE TRENCH.
MARTIN AND ANIS
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
THE CAR LANDS SAFELY IN THE HOLE. HOWEVER, THEY ARE NOW TRAPPED AS BUILDERS ARE FILLING THE HOLE WITH CEMENT. THE CEMENT POURS ON THE WINDSCREEN.
MARTIN
AAAAAAHHH! Mofo!! My car!!
HE TRIES TO OPEN HIS DOOR TO GET OUT, BUT IT ONLY OPENS AN INCH INTO THE CONCRETE PIT AROUND THEM.
MARTIN
AAAH!! We’re trapped, and bout to be covered in cement!
ANIS
I’m going to have to shoot through the back window.
MARTIN BLINKS, EYES WELLING UP.
MARTIN
OK.
ANIS UNDOES HIS SEATBELT, SHOOTS THREE BULLETS INTO THE WINDOW AND ELBOWS HIS WAY OUT OF THE CAR, ONTO THE BOOT, AND SCRAMBLES OUT OF THE HOLE. MARTIN FOLLOWS HIM AND ESCAPES JUST IN TIME TO SEE HIS BEAUTIFUL CAR COVERED IN CEMENT.
MARTIN
My car…
ANIS
Well, at least we’re alive.
MARTIN
My baby…
SUDDENLY A GUN CLICKS AT THEM. IT IS THE DRIVER OF THE OTHER CAR. HE IS A ROUND BLACK MAN. ANIS TRIES TO SHOOT, BUT HIS GUN IS OUT OF BULLETS, HAVING USED THE LAST THREE TO ESCAPE THE CAR.
ANIS THROWS DOWN THE GUN AND HOLDS HIS CUFFED HANDS UP DEFEATED.
SCENE TWELVE:
INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - DAY
MATT AND LAUREN ARE STILL ON LAPTOPS LOOKING FOR CONNECTIONS.
LAUREN
I’ve found it!
MATT
Ooo what’ve you found?
LAUREN
Well, we were looking for Synopsense, right? Because of all the money…well instead of Synopsense, I looked for Synop-dollar sign-ense
MATT
Dollar sign? The S with a line through it?
LAUREN
Yes! Here it is!
MATT SWEEPS ASIDE HIS LAPTOP AND SITS NEXT TO LAUREN. HE SEES THE SCREEN. THEY ARE LOOKING AT ‘SYNOP$ENSE’
LAUREN
Look at these accounts…they go back 8 years…and then nothing.
MATT
It’s like they never existed before…
LAUREN LOOKS AT MATT.
LAUREN
What’s the connection?
SCENE THIRTEEN:
EXT. WATERLOO STATION - DAY
ANIS AND MARTIN ARE STANDING APART, STARING AT THE ROUND BLACK MAN AIMING AT THEM. THE MAN REACHES INTO HIS POCKET.
MAN (PULLING OUT BADGE)
I’m Blake Leator, CIA.
ANIS
CIA?
BLAKE
Yes, and that blonde trying to obliterate you was Isis Connollyngus.
ANIS
Why does that ring a bell?
BLAKE
You should know, GA943 was tracking her. They linked her to a trio of girl assassins. Their identities are top secret.
ANIS
Why did she try to kill us? And for that fact, why were you?
BLAKE
I wasn’t shooting at you, I was shooting at her. Thanks to your antics we’ve got a cinema with a five foot wide gaping hole in the middle.
ANIS LOOKS OVER AT MARTIN.
ANIS
Let this man go, I had to commandeer his car to escape.
BLAKE LOOKS OVER AT MARTIN.
BLAKE
Boy…what’s your name?
MARTIN
Martin, motherFUCKAA.
BLAKE
Shame about your car. It was a beautiful thing. Now get the hell outta here. And don’t look back now.
MARTIN RUNS AWAY.
BLAKE
You are Anis Seabourne, am I correct?
ANIS
Yes.
BLAKE
We’ve been keeping an eye on you folks from across the pond and we responded to the mass murder from yesterday…that must have been hard to lose so many good men and women…well, we were also investigating David Thornevil, and we suspected he was connected to the Shibboleth device theft. We were gonna come over and give you guys a hand.
ANIS
What is the Shibboleth device?
BLAKE
Um…perhaps it’s best you don’t know. Can we move from here? The police are going to come any minute.
ANIS
Do you mind if I take my own car? You can follow me to a safe place.
HE POINTS BLAKE TO THE PARKED MERCEDES MACLAREN.
BLAKE
Be my guest.
SCENE FOURTEEN:
INT. GA943 – DAY
THE AGENTS LUCKY ENOUGH TO STILL BE ALIVE ARE SCANNING FREQUENCIES AND DIALLING UP LOTS OF NUMBERS. IT ALL LOOKS BIG BUSINESS. SUDDENLY AGENT EMMA HEARS SOMETHING PROMISING ON HER HEADPHONES. SHE GETS UP AND RUNS TO M’S OLD OFFICE, WITH KAREN AND LAWRATU NOW SAT IN IT.
KAREN
What?
EMMA
I think we found them, there’s a flat in Croydon logged onto our database…it was passkey encrypted, so I couldn’t tell whose account it was, but we’re all here, so…
LAWRATU
Worth a look.
KAREN
It’s them.
EMMA
Well, actually Oscar’s gone missing…it could be him.
LAWRATU
Get Agent Cristina to get a hold of Oscar. Everyone is meant to stay here. Get everyone else, we’re going to Croydon.
SCENE FIFTEEN:
EXT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - DAY
ANIS AND BLAKE GET OUT OF THEIR CARS. ANIS NODS BLAKE TO FOLLOW HIM UP TO MATT’S HIDEOUT.
INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT. ANIS OPENS THE DOOR AND COMES INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
ANIS
What did you find?
MATT
You’re not gonna believe it – who’s he?
BLAKE
Know your friends, Mr McLeron. I’m Blake Leator, CIA. I’m here to help. You do not need to introduce yourself; we all admire you over at the agency for offing the French president.
MATT SHAKES HANDS WITH HIM.
MATT
This is Lauren.
BLAKE (GUARDED)
Hey.
ANIS
First, let’s get these handcuffs off.
MATT
Lauren, there’s a hacksaw in a utility drawer, near the sink.
SHE LEAVES TO GET IT.
MATT AND ANIS
So what can you tell us?
MATT
You first.
ANIS
Ok, what we have is a billionaire who was up to some iffy economising, and GA943 got involved. For some reason, Oscar switched sides and leaked the best time for an ambush.
LAUREN RETURNS AND HELPS SAW ANIS OUT OF THE CUFFS.
MATT
Oscar?
ANIS
He tried to kill me. He’s responsible for yesterday’s bloodbath.
MATT
Whoa…
ANIS
And what’s more, there is a blonde assassin out to get me…though I think I killed her. However, I’m told she is part of a trio, so there’ll be another two after me…also this David stole the Shibboleth device.
MATT
What did we say yesterday?
ANIS
I know.
MATT
We knew it! We bloody knew it!
ANIS
So what’d you find?
LAUREN FREES ANIS FROM THE CUFFS.
MATT
There has been a mysterious company called Synopsense collaborating with Thornevil’s company, donating money through a televangelism scam. We searched and searched and all we could find out about the company is that eight years ago, it didn’t exist. There’s no CEO, President, employees. I can’t even find shareholders. It’s a weird one. Wait…do you hear that?
ANIS
No.
LAUREN
No.
BLAKE
No.
MATT
No.
ANIS
No…
LAUREN
No…
BLAKE
No…
MATT
No…
MATT RUNS TO THE WINDOW AND PEERS OUT. HE IS JOINED BY ANIS.
MATT
Exactly: this is a main road…where are all the pedestrians?
ANIS
It’s GA943…they’re here!
MATT
Well, it’s a bit churlish to jump to that conclusion, oh wait, no you’re correct, look there’s Doreen hiding behind that car.
ANIS
You got a way out of here?
MATT
Don’t worry, escape plan’s always the first thing on my mind.
LAUREN GOES TO THE KITCHEN.
MATT
Hey, where’r’you going?
LAUREN STARTS OPENING CUPBOARDS HURRIEDLY.
LAUREN
Quick, start escaping. I’m going to slow them down.
ANIS
No, you’re coming with us.
LAUREN GRABS A BAG OF SUGAR.
LAUREN
Don’t worry, I’ll be right behind you.
ANIS
No, I’m not going to have you liaise with them, and leak all our good work, come ON.
LAUREN FINDS A CAN OF MOTOR OIL ABOUT THE SAME SIZE AS A CAN OF BEANS IN THE UTILITY DRAWER.
LAUREN
Ok, you don’t have to leave without me, I’ll just be a minute.
ANIS WATCHES AT SHE PICKS OFF THE OIL CAN LID AND DIPS A PENCIL IN PULLS IT OUT AND PLACES IT ON A TISSUE. THEN SHE POURS SUGAR IN THE OIL CAN AND STIRS IT AROUND WITH A SPOON.
ANIS
Napalm?
LAUREN
We’re in a hurry, get ready.
SHE GETS SOME STRING, TIES IT AROUND THE PENCIL. THEN SHE TAKES A CIGAR OUT OF HER HANDBAG AND TIES THE STRING TO THAT. SHE PUTS THE CAN OF OIL AROUND TWO FEET AWAY FROM THE FRONT DOOR, AND PLACES THE CIGAR ON A TABLE SO THE OIL DOUSED PENCIL IS SUSPENDED SIX INCHES OR SO ABOVE THE OIL CAN. THE CIGAR NEARLY FALLS OFF THE TABLE BUT SHE GETS A HEAVY BOOK TO WEIGH IT DOWN. THEN SHE SETS THE PENCIL ALIGHT, THEN LIGHTS THE CIGAR.
LAUREN
Ok, we run now.
MATT AND BLAKE HAVE OPENED THE WINDOWS AND ARE READY TO JUMP ON THE BAR’S AWNING, SO THEY CAN GET TO THE CARS. BLAKE DROPS DOWN FIRST, THEN MATT, THEN LAUREN, THEN ANIS SO THEY ARE ALL NOW STANDING BY THE CARS.
ANIS
Matt, you go with Blake, I’ll go with Lauren.
HAMZA APPEARS.
HAMZA
Anis.
EVERYONE IS GROSSED OUT BY HAMZA’S HANDPRINT-EXCLUDING BURNED FACE.
ANIS
Whoa!
MATT
Like, dude, what happened to your face?
HAMZA
Him.
ANIS
Whoa, I never wanted that to happen, I just wanted to incapacitate you for a bit.
HAMZA
Well look at me now.
ANIS
Oh I know, it’s all that Arab perfume you put on your hand.
HAMZA
Oh yeah!
ANIS
Yeah, when you covered your face with your hand, that must have ignited the perfume.
HAMZA
You might have a point. But that is neither here nor there. I’m putting you away.
ANIS
You have to believe me, I have NOTHING to do with this. It’s all David Thornevil. Just investigate into Synopsense, you’ll find the same answers we did. Oscar confessed that it was him who gave away our positions to Thornevil and set up an ambush with Thornevil’s men. Investigate into Synopsense…please.
HAMZA FIDDLES WITH HIS RADIO, DECIDING WHETHER OR NOT TO ALERT EVERYONE.
CUT TO:
INT. MATT’S HIDEOUT - DAY
THE CIGAR IS BURNING DOWN TO THE STRING SUSPENDING THE FLAMING PENCIL OVER THE NAPALM.
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR KAREN IS WAITING FOR AGENT EMMA TO PICK THE LOCK.
KAREN
Quickly…
EMMA PICKS IT.
EMMA (WHISPERING)
Done.
SHE BEGINS OPENING THE DOOR.
KAREN (UNPROFESSIONAL HUNGRY GLEAM IN HER EYES)
No no no…let me.
KAREN OPENS THE DOOR. SUDDENLY HER RADIO GOES OFF.
HAMZA (O.S.)
I’ve got Seabourne down here! In front of the building every-argh!!
KAREN, DISTRACTED BY THE RADIO, DOES NOT AT FIRST REGISTER THE FLAMING PENCIL HELD ON A STRING FROM A CIGAR. THE CIGAR IS NOW WORN DOWN, SO THE STRING FALLS OFF, DROPPING THE LIT PENCIL INTO THE NAPALM.
BANG!!!!!!!!!!
KAREN GETS SET ON FIRE AND ROLLS ON THE GROUND SCREAMING FOR HELP.
KAREN
NOOOO!!!! I’M ON FIRE!!! AND SOES MEH FACE!!!!
CUT TO:
EXT. BUILDING - DAY
HAMZA IS NOT HOLDING HIS GUN AT THEM.
HAMZA
OK, I’ve covered my arse…run.
ANIS
Thanks, Hamza.
MATT
I know a good plastic surgeon, dude…sort your face out, man. You used to be well fit.
ANIS
Dude, you’re making things worse. You leave with Blake first. NOW!
MATT GETS INTO BLAKE’S CAR AND THEY DRIVE OFF.
ANIS SLIDES HIS FINGER ON THE SLR’S DOOR HANDLE AND IT OPENS FOR HIM. LAUREN GETS IN. HE DRIVES TO THE END OF THE ROAD. DOREEN IS IN HOT PURSUIT IN A CAR BEHIND HIM, BUT ANIS IS IN THE WORLD’S BEST CAR. HE FLICKS A BUTTON AND, AT THE REAR OF THE CAR, THE MERCERDES LOGO FLIPS UP AND STARTS SPEWING WET CEMENT.
ANIS
Alright, let’s hit it.
HE FLICKS THE SWITCH AGAIN AND THE CEMENT STOPS POURING. THE MERCEDES SYMBOL FLAPS BACK DOWN. HE DRIVES OFF AND DOREEN’S CAR GETS STUCK IN THE CEMENT. SHE ANGRILY POUNDS THE CAR’S HORN. ALL THE FOLLOWING GA943 AGENTS FALL FOR THE SAME TRICK AND GET CEMENTED TO THE ROAD.
ANIS CHUCKS THE PHONE TO LAUREN.
ANIS
Ring Matt’s phone. Put it on loudspeaker.
LAUREN CALLS.
MATT (O.S.)
Yo, Anis?
ANIS
This is it, we’re going to Thornevil.
MATT (O.S.)
Um…ok…
ANIS
Like Paul McCartney’s ex wife, we’re not running anymore!
LAUREN
What’s the plan?
BLAKE (O.S.)
Thornevillage is located on the south side of West Sussex. We should get there by evening.
ANIS
How do we go about getting in?
BLAKE (O.S.)
I’m going to log on to the CIA databank and download a schematic to my phone. Give me a few moments.
ANIS
I need ammo.
BLAKE (O.S.)
Don’t worry, I got enough weapons in the trunk.
LAUREN
How are we going to take him down?
ANIS
We go in, get proof, and if I meet him…it will be curtains for him.
MATT (O.S.)
He’ll get his chips.
ANIS
He’ll get his just desserts
MATT (O.S.)
His uppance shall come.
SCENE SIXTEEN:
INT. GA943 – NIGHT
ANOTHER IMPOSING SPEECH. THE FEW AGENTS OF GA943 LISTEN DEJECTED.
LAWRATU
Well, we found Anis. And he got away. AGAIN.
SHE LOSES IT.
LAWRATU
What are we paying you FOR!!!!!!
DOREEN
It’s not my fucking fault, he bonded our cars to the pavement.
LAWRATU
SHUT UP!!!!
EVERYONE KINDA FLINCHES.
LAWRATU
Karen has gone on leave. Her face was partially burned in the failed apprehension of Seabourne.
HAMZA
Um…my face was partially burned in the failed apprehension of Seabourne, I haven’t been allowed to go home.
LAWRATU
SHUT UP!!!!
HAMZA SCOWLS AND STARES DOWN AT HIS FEET AND RUINED HAND.
LAWRATU
No one is going home. No one is talking. You get your fucking heads to-fucking-gether and find that SONOFABITCH!
SCENE SEVENTEEN:
EXT. THORNEVILLAGE – NIGHT
THORNEVILLAGE IS A WONDERFUL MASTERPEICE OF ARCHITECTURE. IT IS THORNEVIL’S OWN BASE OF OPERATIONS BOTH FOR HIS DIRTY DEALING AND SEEMINGLY BONAFIDE OIL MONOPOLY. IT HAS TURRETS AND BALCONIES, AND IT’S RATHER EXTRAVAGANT IN A WANTON SORT OF WAY.
ANIS IS PLUGGING IN A HANDS-FREE. MATT, LAUREN, AND BLAKE WAIT FOR THE PLAN EXPECTANTLY.
ANIS
OK, Blake, you’ve got the schematic, I want you on point navigating me through.
BLAKE
Ok, then. Matt, can you find a way to power down the electricity? At least if the Shibboleth device is being contained here, the lack of electricity should render it useless.
MATT
OK.
BLAKE
You need to go to the west and hit a point where the main vents are. That’s where the localised power station is.
MATT
Got it.
ANIS
Lauren, go with Matt.
LAUREN
I’m ready.
ANIS
You can handle yourself ok, alright?
LAUREN
I can handle myself just fine.
ANIS
OK, I’ll see you all on the other side. Good luck.
ANIS PATS BLAKE ON THE BACK. THEN HE SPUDS MATT GOODBYE. HE SNOGS LAUREN.
LAUREN
Anis…
ANIS
Yeah?
LAUREN
I love you.
ANIS
It was kinda obvious.
LAUREN
Is that all you’re going to say back?
ANIS
You ain’t half bad yourself, love, don’t worry. I like you and everything. Brup!
AT THAT, ANIS LEAVES AND SCURRIES OVER TO THE EAST OF THORNEVILLAGE. MATT AND LAUREN GO TO THE WEST. BLAKE CLIMBS UP THE SIDE OF THE BUILDING TO GET TO THE ROOF.
BLAKE (O.S.)
Anis, there's a small entry hole two stories up, northwest of the second stairwell near an old maintenance room, 120 feet from where you are.
ANIS
Roger that.
BLAKE (O.S.)
Say…Anis.
ANIS
Yo.
BLAKE (O.S.)
Do you trust Lauren?
ANIS
I’ve only known her a day, but so far…she’s proven herself capable. She’s got vitality, she’s beautiful…I wouldn’t leave home without her.
BLAKE (O.S.)
Well, she’s quite familiar to me, I’ve seen her before. I just can’t place it.
ANIS
Really?
BLAKE (O.S.)
Well, I figured you’re smart enough to know, anyone who I find familiar…in our line of work: not good.
ANIS
She’s with the agency, she’s got ties. She used to date a guy in an agency too.
BLAKE (O.S.)
Well, you’ve only known her a day, I’d keep cool about telling her you love her and that. This ain’t Speed. You ain’t Keanu Reeves. She ain’t Sandra Bullock. You’re not going to have a successful relationship like this. You need to have her open up.
ANIS
Speed wasn’t about real life events, Blake. I’m here now. Where next?
BLAKE
You need to get to the eighth floor, and make your way to the far east corner, 80 feet from the fire mains.
ANIS
Copy that.
BLAKE
I’ll be right above you. Watching.
SCENE EIGHTEEN:
INT. THORNEVILLAGE - NIGHT
LAUREN AND MATT ARE SOFTLY HURRYING TO THE POWER STATION. THEY ENTER UNMOLESTED. THE MAINS ARE LIKE A GIANT ENGINE, IMPOSSIBLY VAST.
MATT (HUSHED)
OK, to weaken the systems of a machine like this, both of us need to be working from either side. You go northside, I’ll go south.
LAUREN (WHISPERING)
OK.
SCENE NINETEEN:
INT. THORNEVILLAGE – NIGHT
ANIS HAS REACHED HIS DESTINATION, THE MAIN OFFICE OF DAVID THORNEVIL. HE USES HIS CREDIT CARD LOCKPICK TO GET INTO THE DOOR. AH, HE’S SO AMAZING.
ANIS SEARCHES THROUGH SEVERAL FILING CABINETS AND STOWES AWAY SEVERAL INCRIMINATING DOCUMENTS IN HIS GOLDENROD SATCHEL.
ANIS SILENTLY LEAVES THE OFFICE AND MAKES HIS WAY INTO A WIDE CIRCULAR ROOM. ON ONE SIDE OF THE ROOM IS A 20 FOOT WIDE MONITOR. ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE IS A GOTHIC ORNATE BALCONY.
BEFORE HE CAN EVEN BLINK, ROUGHLY SEVENTY ARMED GUARDS CLAD IN KEVLAR VESTS AND CAMOUFLAGE BURST IN AND TAKE AIM AT HIM. FROM A BALCONY ABOVE, DAVID THORNEVIL ENTERS AND LOOKS DOWN AT ANIS. ANIS IS TOTALLY, HOPELESSLY, SURROUNDED ON EVERY SIDE.
DAVID
We finally meet, Seabourne.
CUT TO:
INT. POWER ROOM
MATT IS RUNNING, KEEPING HIS BODY AS LOW AS POSSIBLE, BEHIND THE IMPORTANT MACHINES.
JUST AS HE IS ABOUT TO POWER DOWN, A GUN CLICKS BEHIND HIS HEAD.
ATIA
Stop. Right. There.
CUT TO:
INT. CIRCULAR ROOM
ANIS LOOKS CORNERED.
DAVID
I think you’ll find escape quite impossible.
CUT TO:
EXT. THORNEVILLAGE ON THE ROOF.
BLAKE CREEPS DOWN THROUGH A WINDOW ONTO A SCAFFOLD HIGH ABOVE ANIS, AND WALKS SOFTLY TO A VANTAGE POINT. HE GETS OUT A SNIPER RIFLE, AND SETS IT UP TO AIM AT DAVID.
AS HE IS ABOUT TO PULL THE TRIGGER, HE IS SHOT IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD BY THE PSYCHOTICALLY DEADLY ISIS CONNOLLYNGUS.
CUT TO:
INT. CIRCULAR ROOM
ANIS LOOKS PENSIVE.
DAVID
Trying to use your gadgets, aren’t you? We are currently standing on a vast magnet, rendering any gadgets you have useless.
ANIS TRIES NOT TO LOOK PERTURBED AT THIS NEWS, BUT WE ALL KNOW THIS SPELLS DEATH FOR HIM.
DAVID
And as for your friends, they are currently being dealt with.
ANIS TRIES TO KEEP HIS POKER FACE. BUT IT IS OBVIOUS TO THE AUDIENCE THAT THIS IS A HUGE BLOW. BEFORE ANY MORE WORDS GET SPOKEN, BLAKE’S CARCASS FALLS IN FRONT OF ANIS, PUSHED OFF THE SCAFFOLD BY ISIS.
ANIS (FAÇADE CRUMBLING)
Fucking…monster…
ATIA ENTERS HOLDING A GUN TO MATT’S HEAD.
ANIS
You?
DAVID FLICKS A SWITCH AND AN IMAGE OF LAUREN COMES ON THE LARGE MONITOR OPPOSITE.
DAVID
Yes, yes, she and Isis work together in the field of waste management. They are currently being employed by me. They call themselves the Murdering Mistresses.
ANIS
Lauren…on the screen, what are you doing with Lauren?
DAVID LAUGHS AND HOLDS UP A KEYPAD.
DAVID
Lauren is trapped in a pressure chamber, and if I press this button here (DEMONSTRATING), it’s going to severely fuck up the pressure in the room.
HE PRESSES IT.
DAVID
Whoops!
ANIS
No!
DAVID
It’s amazing what a flick of a switch can do, isn’t it? Speaking of which, THIS switch does something wildly entertaining. You haven’t seen the Shibboleth device in action, have you? I bet you don’t even know what it does. Well, let’s pick a location…hmm…Knightsbridge. And let’s get a demonstration.
HE PRESSES SEVERAL BUTTONS. THEN
DAVID
Bombs away!
TANNOY
Target: Knightsbridge…estimated arrival…two minutes.
DAVID
In two minutes, Knightsbridge is going to be obliterated. Shame, Harrods was gonna have a sale tomorrow.
ANIS STARES SHOCKED AT DAVID, THEN LOOKS AT BLAKE’S DEAD BODY ON THE FLOOR, AT LAUREN SCREAMING ON THE BIG SCREEN, BLOOD SPURTING OUT OF HER EARS. HE TAKES A LOOK AT MATT, PLEADING FOR HIS LIFE. HE LOOKS AT THE MACHINE GUN BEING WAVED IN HIS FACE, AND AGAIN AT THE COUNTDOWN ON THE SCREEN. ONE MINUTE FIFTY SECONDS LEFT.
TICK…TOCK…
TICK…
TOCK…
END OF ACT TWO.
THE SHOCKING EXPLOSIVE FINALE HITS THIS PLACE IN ONE MONTH.
DO NOT MISS IT.
